Telling Stories

My life is lived in fantasy. I live incredible and heroic lives in my head. I realize of course that the last two sentences are an odd way to start this post, but my sisters have just inspired me. They are currently adventuring with their new “friend”, Molly. Molly is an American Girl doll that Anna received for Christmas. I’m completely excited for my sisters, but oddly enough seeing my sisters playing with that doll has caused me to reminisce. Reminiscing has led me to want to type. So here I am.

When I was young, I used to be that kid who got lost in the daydreams of an adventurer. Who am I kidding? Sometimes I’m still that kid.

I’d zone out during whatever it was I was supposed to be doing and instead imagine myself in an epic battle. I was typically fighting anywhere from one to a hundred and fifty-six evil brigands bent on torturing the helpless “DID” (Damsel in Distress). I would defeat all the villains and then die of wounds shortly after the fair maiden was freed. Then the “Molly” of the story realized that I was willing to die rather than let her get hurt. She would comfort me in my final moments, mourning the life we could have had together. Up until this point she had never seen me as anything but a decent fellow. Admittedly that part of my dramatic side has mellowed out, if only a little. It’s embarrassing to admit all of this, but it’s true.


I just found myself wondering why I chose to never let the relationship form in the first place, choosing to die instead of seeking my “happy” ending. Maybe I should seek a therapist, or a social worker, and discover the “true” reasons for this decision….



That was a joke. At least, I hope it was a joke.




Sometimes I take long walks down the trails near the Natchez Trace and imagine myself walking the grounds at Hogwarts, entering the Forbidden Forest. Other times I find myself writing my book. I’ve been writing it for four years now. I’ve realized that I skip around too much in my writing, but it helps me to gain perspective from the life of my characters. You see, in my mind I can go places and do things that I have yet to see and do. At least, my mind is trying to take me in the right direction.

I just stopped typing for a moment. Anna is making me laugh. She just asked me if I wanted to play with Molly. I then asked her if she thought that Molly liked me. She said yes. When I asked her why, she said, “Because you love me…and it’s your birthday!” Awww. If only reality would follow the reasoning of a child, not the other way around. The world might be a better place. So now I’m taking a short break to play with my sister.





Where was I? Oh duh, my mind. It skips around as much as my book does. Here come the memories. For tonight at least, the story that is my life makes all the sense in the world to me.

Chapter One. I remember nothing. I have seen photos though. I was brought home in a stocking at birth. I was months early, and very underweight. My first word was not mama or dada, according to rumor it was “bankie”. I, like Linus, appreciated the security that a warm blanket provided me. And believe it or not, my parents have forgiven me for prioritizing a blanket above them.


Chapter Five. I remember my first teddy bear, cabbage patch kid, and even my first doctor’s kit. I used to play for hours trying to make “Fuzzy” feel better. I was the explorer trying to find out what I can do. I also remember exploring my neighborhood in my mom’s sling. And I have very vague memories of my first sleepover. I cried for my mama until she came and picked me back up…it was only an hour into the party. My daydreams of bravery hadn’t started yet….


Chapter Eight. I remember the first girl that I that ever liked me, I liked her too. Her name was Hannah. She had a pet hamster, and gave me a piece of paper with a heart on it. I still have that piece of paper, it makes me smile. I guarded her quite often from the foes around us. I knew that one day she and I were going to get attacked by ninjas, but I would be ready. I had been given an “Aladdin” sword that year for Christmas!


Chapter Ten. I remember shocking myself with a hairpin and socket. It was in a completely empty room, right before we moved to Mississippi. I cried in there that day. I didn’t want to leave Alabama. Fortunately, my story didn’t end with my electrocution. I remember starting public school. I fractured my nose in a fist fight that year. After that fight I did start to believe in the power of my imagination again. For once, I had actually lived out a battle against the “forces of evil”.
I made the soccer team, caught my first fish, and gave my mom the “finger” (I didn’t know what it meant at the time) I have many memories of that year, but if I think emotionally it boiled down to one thing. I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to be loved.


Chapter Twelve. I remember names called out in jest that hurt. I played on the Basketball team at Colonial Heights that year. I remember starting to battle at the Pokemon League. I remember reading the Bible all the way through, so that I could prove Christians wrong. It’s sad, but true. The only friends I had were living in my neighborhood, and in my eyes they were all “Christian-hypocrites”. I remember being really confused. I felt like I was a good kid, but everyone knew that I was going to Hell. God didn’t fit into the story. There was no story. The daydreaming stopped too.


Chapter Fourteen. I remember Caitlin. She was a good friend, but she was infatuated with me. That’s not always a good combination. At first I think I enjoyed the attention, but after she started following me everywhere the novelty wore off. She knew we were perfect for each other. After all, we had won many tournaments together with our Pokemon decks, we must be meant for each other! I remember thinking that if I moved to Timbuktu I could live in peace. At the time I couldn’t spell Timbuktu.

Chapter Sixteen. I think that this is the chapter that is most important to the plot that is my life. Unfortunately it’s also the chapter that also has some painful memories that I don’t like to think on. Don’t get me wrong, most of the pain is gone. But for some reason the emotions start coming back, just the way I remember them.

I remember working at Mcalister’s. I remember my friend. I remember the day that she died. We had eaten lunch together two days before the crash. She believed in Him, and I didn’t (but I respected her anyway). I remember meeting Joey for the first time. I remember the week from Hell. I remember the year of fake prayers. I remember seeing for the first time that maybe there was some truth to the “Jesus thing”. I remember the day that I broke. Hope that doesn’t make sense. Peace that comes in pain. Belief that I’ll see her, see them, see all those I love again. My foundation had finally gotten through to me.

In the previous chapters I still hadn’t found the “purpose” of my tale. I only knew what I desired. I desired to be a hero, to be successful, and I truly wanted to be loved. These desires seemed simple enough, but there was nothing to motivate me to go through the trials that my story may include. I was Frodo without a ring, without a quest. Then Jesus saved me from myself. I had my ring, I had my quest. My imagination, my daydreams, my hopes, all these things combined could never have fathomed such a novel as the one I’m caught up in. This was my epic (pun intended). And it gave me reason to dream like never before.


Chapter Seventeen. I remember dating Laura. An experience that ended in so much hurt, and yet I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Admittedly, I’m an idealist by nature. However, I think even the most pessimistic of people would have to admit that many of the best lessons they’ve learned in life came through pain or struggles of some sort or another. But the pain caused by rejection of your heart always finds a way to come back to those that are ready to move on, even the optimists.

Regardless of Laura’s choice, I dealt with the hand I was given, and daydreamed less. It was at that point in my life that I fully committed my “sword and shield” to God, not to my romantic notions. Unfortunately, I unintentionally became the religious fanatic I had always avoided, I was a Pharisee.

The plot thickened as the years passed, my heart grew strong again. I started to daydream again. Deep down I believed that I was ready to survive my next epic battle. This time, in my story, I wanted my role to be that of a lover as well as the fighter. But God in His wisdom knew better than I did, and closed the doors that He knew weren’t ready to be opened. I was no longer an adventurer, nor was I a lover. I was simply a learner on a pilgrimage, seeking answers.


Chapter twenty-one. This last summer as another chapter was added to my story, my pilgrimage seemed like a failure. My quest was lost. As the weeks went on, I would stand in my “peaceful place” and look at the world, wondering why any of this was worth it. I felt as though I’d played pilgrim long enough.

You never see scenes like this in the epic movies. The heroes don’t lie in bed for days wondering why they can no longer feel. The heroes in the movie take it in stride and keep going. So as the summer progressed I let the numbness, felt by those who have lost too many times, in battles of the heart, take over.

I failed, at the time, to recognize that perhaps the numbness was God’s mercy and grace. Perhaps God knows our hearts can’t handle the full brunt of reality. He makes our burden lighter since we are so frail, since we try to fill the gaps with them, not Him.

I believe that God knows that we might accidently seek our salvation in the “significant other” that we wait for. (Donald Miller makes a point like this in his book Blue Like Jazz). I don’t mean to say that we “truly” make them God in our lives. But I do think that we build someone up so much that we stop seeing them as just a person…we see them as miracle workers. But that’s part of the beauty of a relationship, seeing the one you love and not looking for them to magically make your life better…just knowing that that you love each other and trusting in God for all the rest.


Chapter Twenty-two. I just got done listening to my dad explain that he’s willing to let me get a job anywhere around Madison when I’m done with my master’s degree. I can’t even begin to explain how much self-control I’m exercising in not responding.

I turned twenty-two today, but in my Parent’s eyes I’m still the boy that rode in that sling. Just last week, on my last day of finals, I woke up to someone knocking on our dorm door. Russ opened it, and there stood my dad. He had apparently decided that I was wrong about the time I told him my final was. Since he couldn’t get me to answer my phone after nine tries (it was off), he came to tell me I had missed my final. My final was still four hours away. *sighs* Their hearts are right, I just wish that they’d learn to trust a little.

And though twenty-one years have passed and I’m capable of being mature, I think I’ve grown up still believing in the power of my imagination. Even after taking on the world of responsibility, deep down I wish that I could just be a knight, a captain, or maybe even a bard.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize this simple truth about my story. I am but a pebble on a mountain, a grain of sand in the desert, a drop of water in the ocean. If the Master’s plot includes some pain or some disappointment…He’s still the Master. And He still loves. I am accepted and I am loved.

So are my desires to be a hero, lover, or even a musician over? No, those desires will never leave my heart, unless God chooses to take them away of course. Now when I look at “my” story, I don’t see myself as the main character, I see myself as the random guard at Helmsdeep fighting at the beck and call of my Lord and King. When the random guards lived or died in the movie, the plot didn’t end. It was tragic to let a soldier die, but we didn’t sit there and refuse to watch anymore. When it comes to a film, the audience knows there’s a bigger picture. The same is true of our reality.

All of this flowed forth just because of a doll named Molly, who reminded me of adventures from my past. Thank you Molly! Thank you Emily! Thank you Anna! It’s for because of heroes and heroines like you that I will carry my “shield and sword” into battle every day. I still have my dreams and daydreams, but life is about something grander than “my” story. It’s about God’s story!

Things are so different than they were just a year ago...hmmm

Han Solo, Jesus, and Thanksgiving = A non-typical Trinity....

So in looking over my last few blog posts, in search of inspiration for this one...I realized something.

In my last 5 posts:

2 - Goofy fun random posts
2 - Encouraging/Motivational posts (mainly for myself)
1 - Only one about Jesus...don't get me wrong...I'm not thinking that it is a terrible deed on my part. However, since I was looking for a good jump start, this is as a good an opportunity as any...so in the words of Han Solo..."This oughtta even the odds!"

I was reading Psalm 111, one of my new favorite psalms, and I decided that it was quite appropriate for the Holiday that we are celebrating.




"Praise the Lord.
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who have pleasure in them.
Full of honor and majesty is his work, and his righteousness endures for ever.
He has caused his wonderful works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him; he is ever mindful of his covenant.
He has shown his people the power of his works, in giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy,
they are established for ever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant for ever. Holy and terrible is his name!
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
a good understanding have all those who practice it. His praise endures for ever!"

Courage to Live

"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."

My challenge, to the few folk reading this post, is this:

Whatever good action or deed you've been putting off, do it.

Whatever fears you're still trying to resolve or get over, face them.

Whatever problems are starting to make you weaken, prayer time.

Evil triumphs when you forget that you make that the actions that your prompts you to take are not only good, but important.

I believe in you my friend, I really do.

The Injury

I promised a friend of mine that I would post again once I had watched a particular episode of the office, so I did. For those of you that aren't familiar with "The Office" or are and are curious about which episode...here's a summary (Daniel Style).

Michael Scott accidentally burns his foot while grilling bacon on his George Foreman grill, in bed. An interesting method to say the least... When Dwight Schrute comes to "rescue" him, he crashes his car into "the pole" and suffers a concussion. I suppose I should feel like a terrible person for thoroughly enjoying the "new Dwight". However, simply put, the injury makes Dwight more likable and much nicer to his co-workers, particularly Pam.

Not surprisingly, Michael becomes upset with the staff's lack of compassion towards his "disability" (hilarious), and brings in Billy Merchant, who uses a wheelchair, to discuss what it is like to be disabled. BIG SURPRISE: Billy soon leaves after Michael makes several offensive remarks, but not before pointing out to Jim that Dwight has suffered a concussion. Lstm.

Jim and Michael take Dwight to the hospital where Michael insists that his burned foot is a more serious injury than Dwight's blunt force trauma. Before they go, Pam bids "goodbye" to the concussed Dwight, aware that she will probably never see the good-natured version of Dwight Schrute ever again...probably the saddest ending in the history of television. I cried for hours...well not really....

The "Little" Things

The power in such a simple thing can make all the difference.

Little things make such a big difference, so much in fact...that I wonder if maybe there aren't "really" any little things in life. Everything leads to something else.

Pieces of thread become a tapestry.

Flakes of snow become a snowman.

Blades of grass form a field.

DNA becomes you.

Termites are little, but given time, they can eat an entire house.

A match is a "little thing" but it can burn and destroy an entire forest.

The tongue is a little thing but life and death are in the power of the tongue.

"Little things" can destroy a business, a marriage ... and a life. But, little things can also turn a life around!


Little things like saying "I love you." The random phone call. The wave from a stranger. The courtesy of someone you come in contact with. The hug from someone who is happy to see you. Yes ... it's the little things that make all the difference in our world....

The name that sets me Free

When I go, I'm going to go out like Elijah
A chariot to carry me across the bright, bright sky
When I go, I hope that I have no regrets
A laugh and then I'll tell this world goodbye

When I go, I want to know I left this world
A better place then when I came
When I go, I want this whole world to know
A power that's in this single name

Jesus, oh Jesus
When I go, my prayer shall be
Jesus, oh Jesus
The name that's set me free

When I go, don't regret the day or time
Since it's always been the way of things
When I go, I won't be worse for wear
Since it's time to join my Lord and King

When I go, I'll say to those who mourn
Since I'm gone please know you're loved
When I go, I'll wish I'd shared some words
Since I'll have to wait on you up above

Jesus, oh Jesus
When I go, my prayer shall be
Jesus, oh Jesus
The name that sets me free

When I go, I trust you'll know it fine
But now your choice remains
When I go, please find the peace I have
But don't remain in chains

When I go, some may have concerns
But a Christian I know I'm free
When I go, I won't be thinking Atheist
But I will confess it could be fun to be a tree

Jesus, oh Jesus
When I go, my prayer shall be
Jesus, oh Jesus
The name that sets me free

Diversity

To make up for my sappy poem, I'm going to go a different route tonight. Visualize with me please.

I wake up in a reality where the temperature is subzero.
Not so bad. Except I'm sitting at a round table outside of a coffee shop....

Wait. I know what you're thinking: "There's nothing wrong with sitting at a table outside of a coffee shop!"

Fair enough. However, my argument would be that it depends on the company that's with you. For example, in my case, try sitting to the left of a gorilla. Did I mention that the gorilla is constantly talking through a CB radio, while shouting out pizza toppings with clenched jaw?

To the right of this gorilla sits Elmer Fudd. As if having Elmer Fudd sitting next to a gorilla isn't weird enough, Elmer Fudd is also speaking in a french accent AND constantly accusing people of stealing HER lucky charms. She also laughs hysterically while then telling everyone immediately afterwards, "That's not funny."

Sitting to the right of the Elmer Fudd Is the Bowing Chinaman, he is speaking in rhymes and coughing all the tymes. Not too odd, right? Did I mention that he can't bend his elbows at all? On top of that he likes ringing a bell, similar to the ones that are in the hotels in the movies. (This is important future info.)

Moving on.

To the right of the Bowing Chinaman sits the Wicked Witch. The wicked witch has been cursed and must repeat the last word of every sentence that HE speaks. The poor fellow also has a cold and is constantly sneezing. The "real" interesting thing about the Wicked Witch is that he is in love, and cries (and sneezes of course) whenever a bell is rung....

That's right, you heard me. He's in love with the pirate to his right. There's a slight problem with his love for her. Just like her lover, she too has been cursed. Whenever the bell on the table is rung (generally the Chinaman's doing)the pirate must profess her undying love for the "ringer" of said bell. Meanwhile her lover cries to the same bell...it's almost...odd.

Oh I almost forgot - The Pirate, while speaking in her pirate accent, has to make hand symbols to explain EVERYTHING she says. And can't hear the name of any food item without saying, "That sounds delicious!"

To the witch's right sits my friend Andrew Collier. If you've ever met Andrew you know he's a little odd...

Tonight he's a little "weirder" than normal. He can't take his hands off his head and is forced to constantly quote television adds. He's had one of his dreams come true though...the girl to his right sways at every word he says (literally). Ironically, he has to copy EVERY move she makes.

?!?!? - I know.

In semi-layman's terms. He talks = She sways. She sways = He sways. He talks = He sways. We good now? Good!

Oh, and he thinks that everyone at the table is a cannibal...which is ridiculous thing to believe....

The girl to his right, who I already mentioned, is the girl to my left.

The circle is almost complete.

She sways at Andrew's every word, duh. But also can't tell the truth, every word must be a lie. At least in the beginning. You're still tracking with me right? So, our Lady Liar is also part Werewolf and howls whenever the Chinaman rings the accursed bell. Otherwise, she's quite normal.

And then there's me.

I'm the only one at the table that seems normal. Just a typical Drill Sergeant, imitating Scooby Doo. Admittedly, the fact I quote wise proverbs with my tongue bit (while shouting with R's in the front of my words) is "slightly" odd to a few of the more conservative people at my school. Oh well.

Fortunately, I didn't pick up my air guitar until after I was forced to make chicken noises and give up the use of my fingers.



I found myself wondering. Is this what being on drugs is like? Or perhaps this is a similar group of individuals to the Knights of the Round Table. After all, would that be "so" much of a stretch?

"Rokey Rokey Riends! *ruck ruck* Rats renough rinformation ror run right! Ralk ru rou rater...ROU RAGGGOTS...RGET RACK RIN RINE ROW!!!!" ROOD RIGHT RAGAIN!

To the One

I don’t know who you are my dear
Or when I’ll know it’s you
But you’re a part of me right now
You impact everything I do

I thought of you tonight dear one
As I lay beneath the sky
I wondered while beneath those stars
Do you, also, think of I?



I need not see your eyes or face
I can live without your smile
For I know deep down in my heart
We’ll be together in a while

I remember when I first wondered
What kind of girl you’d be
You said you’d be the right kind
So I keep waiting patiently

Sometimes as I stroll the quad at night
I ask how I’ll know it’s you
Then I feel your hand in mine
As you help me trust like you

Your love for God comes first
Love for others, close behind
Your kindness is a ray of hope
Your prejudices blind

A beauty, in my eyes, unparalleled
A peace that's source is love
You have your faults, sure enough
Yet still, you are an angel from above

One last glance of moon and stars
For tonight at least that's so
After all, my Creator has a master plan
And His sky is not Van Gogh's

It’s time for me to leave again
And I still don’t know your name
But I do know that I love you dear
It’s why I write you all the same.

Wow

I think I've learned more about myself this month than I have in a long while. Try watching Luther, Rob Bell, talking to Andrew Graef, and dwelling on God's creation all in the same weekend and you'll understand, I promise.

I'm still in "recovery" health wise...but getting better. My "state" was made better based on the worship and friends that made my day complete.

My final thought before going to sleep is this: "The God that created EVERYTHING loves me...."

Desire of Solomon

"The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common."

Wisdom is the desire of my heart, just as it was king Solomon's.

My world has always been based on the virtue that society has most desired from me...conformity. I think that as long as I seek peace in praise and conformity I will never find the peace that my heart longs for. Nothing can bring me peace but God. Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Peace is found when we are able to see what life really is. So let your eyes be opened. Don't seek a peace without...seek the peace within. I hope I have the wisdom to follow and live this from now on.

Steps one through five

One Student. Two Tests. Three Study Partners. Four Classes. Five Minutes WASTED! Time to get back to work....

God is calling to those who'll listen. He's not catering to our obsessions, possessions, or transgressions. He's calling the shots. And I'm starting love that more and more.

God is moving in ways that I can't fathom. I've never seen or felt Him like I did this morning. And I WON'T forget.

"Here am I Lord, send me."

Verisimilitude

Fact. I'm in a state where my perpetual response to those that wonder is, "I can't explain what I'm feeling or thinking." I suppose to then try to put it into words is to make my previous sentence invalid. Oh well:

School. I'm retaining my previous method, "I don't care much until it's close enough that procrastination is no longer harmless but harmful." It's almost apathy, but deep down I care.

Church. I love the kids and people more than ever. Last week they gave me a book full of thank you notes and a new bible (with every other page blank for notes) that's amazing! However, there's a flip side of church that I will mention in a bit, involving my spiritual life.

Money. Non-Existent. Hello...Social Work.

Friends. With some exceptions, the majority have dispersed. Something that until quite recently was difficult, especially do to the fact that I've been struggling finding a good solid base there for a while. But I finally got back to my policy of "Que sera, sera." It took me seeing that I did have a solid base. I, as I often do, just had ignored it. This is where God would nod and say "Thanks for finally noticing."

Singleness. The blessing of some and the curse of others. For me, it's become a blessing. I won't lie, the romantic in me hurts often. I find myself running through downtown, begging for the cycle of heartache to end. "God stop letting me fall for the ones that will never see me the same way. Asking why him, or why not me...am I supposed to live this life? And if so, tell bluntly...don't leave me to figure it out." Selfish right? I find myself wishing that I was with the girl that cared for me as much as I her, the one who I could laugh, cry, smile, talk with, pray with, adore, hug, hold hands, and one day say "I love you" too. Sappy I know, I won't disagree.

However, I promised God 4 years, 3 months, and 8 days (according to my journal) ago that I would not ask any girl to be my girlfriend if He wasn't more important to me than her. I was telling him that if I would give her more time than Him that I wouldn't follow through. I then prayed that if I ever did head down that path that He would prevent it.

Lately, I've started considering the fact that if my life is one of dreaded "singleness" that I would be able to deal. At first it felt like a lame attempt to console myself. But the life that I hope I will have the guts, faith and resolve to follow through with is one that I wouldn't want to ask someone that I cared about that much to partake in. In which case, perhaps for the first time, my passion for God seems to be more powerful than my desire to find "Miss Right". Which brings me to the biggest portion of my life.

Spirituality. I find it ironic that I can have some form of passion for God...and say what I say next. I'm not a "Christ Follower". No beating around the bush anymore. I believe, I love, but I don't follow. I'm a listener, rarely a doer. Jesus is a part of my everyday life. Jesus is not my everyday life. "I won't do somethings until I'm on my own or older. I won't do that because it would be insanity. I won't do that because I can't afford it." I was called to die to myself.

In actuality I didn't die and let Jesus take over. I simply made Him a best friend and tried to do things for Him, and to please Him. He's still not in control. I haven't passed Him the key. He's in the house, but He's the guest not the owner.

So, Christian...maybe. Believer...maybe. Follower...no.

I'm still living as though I'm a follower, since not trying to live as a follower would be even worse in my eyes...it's like being convicted and then walking away. It doesn't help anything to quit trying when you're not succeeding (or so I believe). Paul said it was better for the truth to be spread by those that aren't followers than to not spread the truth at all. The saddest part (in an ironic way) is that I do love Him and want to live for Him. I guess this makes me an addict, I'm addicted to self-control. I've been praying and I know that the time will come that I can, that I will give up everything and truly follow. And maybe, for the first time in my life I believe that no matter what it is I must give up. Friends, Family, Marriage, Money, Prestige, Power, Comfort, Self...the day will come. And until it does, my prayer is this...

"God don't let any of things come about in my life unless I can keep you above them. And if by my power or an other they do, I ask you to break me, ruin me, make me nothing again. 'With nothing I came...with nothing I leave.' I'm sorry that I'm not following. I really am."

Wealth

"Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the
things you have for which you would not take money."

Seeker Sensitive

"Seeker sensitive". This is a word that Shane Claiborne has used a few times in his book The Irresistible Revolution. I borrowed the book months ago from Jennifer Majors, but didn't start reading it until last night.

I have a confession. I don't honestly know that the same author who has made me reanalyze myself would have ever gotten the time of day if I met him in person. I find that a little disturbing. In fact his book disturbs me too, maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure.


"I heard one of the teaching pastors at Willow Creek speak on the rich young ruler text that Rich had talked about in Wheaton's chapel. The teaching pastor said, 'Now this doesn't mean you have to go sell your rollerblades and golf clubs,' and he went on to 'contextualize' the teaching to show that we just need to be careful not to make idols of our things. I wasn't so sure about that. Jesus doesn't tell the man to be a better steward, or to treat his workers fairly, or not to make money an idol. He tells this highly educated and devoutly religious young man that he lacks one thing: giving up everything he owns to give to the poor. Rich Mullins used to say that's because there are a lot of people coming to the banquet, and God doesn't want all the luggage to deal with."


"I decided to look a little closer at some of the rich young ruler text, which appears in Matthew, Mark, and Luke. After Jesus' teaching that you must enter the kingdom like a little kid, a wealthy man comes up and asks Jesus what he needs to do, and Jesus tells him he lacks one little thing. ("Lacks" is an interesting word to use, since the rich man thought he had everything.) And what might that one thing be? You can almost see him get excited. Then Jesus drops the big one: 'Sell everything you have and give it to the poor!' The man's face sinks and he walks away with his riches."

"I think it broke Jesus' heart to let the man walk away. The text says that Jesus looks at him and 'loves him' as he walks away. But Jesus doesn't run after the man saying, 'Hey, it's a journey, just give half,' or, 'Start with 10 percent.' He simply lets the man choose his wealth."

"In our culture of 'seeker sensitivity' and radical inclusivity, the great temptation is to compromise the cost of discipleship in order to draw a larger crowd. With the most sincere hearts, we do not want to see anyone walk away from Jesus because of the discomfort of his cross, so we clop the claws on the Lion a little, we clean up a bit the bloody Passion we are called to follow. I think this is why the disciple react as they do. They protest in awe, 'Who then can be saved?' ("Why must you make it so hard? We need some rich folks here, Jesus, we're trying to build a movement") And yet Jesus lets him walk away."

"Jesus doesn't exclude rich people; he just lets them know their rebirth will cost them everything they have. The story is not so much about whether rich folks are welcome as it is about the nature of the kingdom of God, which has an ethic and economy diametrically opposed to those of the world. Rather than accumulating stuff for oneself, followers of Jesus abandon everything, trusting in God alone for providence."


If I were a Dominican I would tell people I wasn't a christian. Not because I'm not moved for Jesus, or wanting to live for Him...but because when it comes down to all or nothing...I haven't given my all. That was something I learned in there, many non-christians in D.R. loved God and Jesus, but weren't willing to commit, yet (hopefully). It was Mother Teresa who said: "Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own." God uses us where we are, and with what we have. But I do fear that I'm holding out, in many ways....

A prayer

Oh Lord, in humble desperation I come to You
Seeking a strength that's not mine
For I have none left to call my own
None that I can find

Expectations and desires aren't fulfilled by those around
Instead I find that you alone can claim this my heart
Loving in full, satisfying in full
My words of praise are nothing, compared to what thou art

You have called me on this journey
To be faithful, to be true
You do not disappoint
I can trust in you

There are things in this world that I don't understand
People that who hurt, things yet to see
When my eyes are away it's my sin
My sin keeps me from thee


So I ask for peace
For a contentment in You
Your will above mine
In everything I do

May my words and prayers always be true
And may my heart ever rest, yes...forever in You

A true gentleman: Explained

So I promised to come back to my point, and here I am. One of the topics that Wes mentioned in college Bible Study on Thursday night was that of truth and lies. Which got me thinking...

God is not capable of lies. Satan is not capable of truth, only half-truths.

Here's the comparison, though it applies more to girls than guys, there are many guys out there that make girls feel special and loved. However, some of those guys are gentleman while others fake it until they get what they want.

God never forces his will on us. He chooses to treat us right, hoping that one day we will choose Him. He's just waiting for the day that we see how much we can trust Him, because He loves us. Satan on the other hand uses his subtlety to convince us that he won't hurt us, and then when we trust him. Uses and abuses us.

Reminds me of the type of guys I've known that could say all the right things, but never actually meant them. The difference is that God does.

A true gentleman

God is a gentleman, I'll come back to this point in a bit.

Go Listen

Steve Fee + Beautiful the Blood = Incredible!

"He knows the way that I take." Job 23:10

When God seems farthest from me, He is often the nearest to me.

And now, as I try for the millionth time to not stray, He still can change this heart in me. He still forgives, loves, judges, and reigns. Let me not walk away unchanged, Oh Lord, my God.

The Plan

I'm quite excited about life in general. Though, a little hesitant...I honestly don't know what, where, when, how, or even...well, I do know the why. The "Why" is God. I suppose that's all I need. Everything is part of the plan, Dan =D

P.S. I miss some people, is that part of the plan too? :p

Yeah...

It's hard to define exactly what emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm sitting in my office, wishing that things were, well...different. Not that things are bad, just that some of the things in my life are things that I don't know how to deal with emotionally or otherwise, and quite frankly it hurts. The humorous part is that I've become a master of distraction, I can keep my emotions at bay for long periods of time...but then in moments like these, I have too much time to think.

Can I overcome? Of course I can, as long as I let Him have control. It's just...pessimistically I see all the things that haven't worked, gone well, or helped. I'm tired of hurt, self, consequences, mistakes, loose lips, broken promises, and the people that go along with those.

Lstm. Wow. I guess I bottled more than I thought I did. The brightside, since even now I look for it, is that I am writing a new song. I'm really enjoying the melody going through my head, and the chorus is coming along well. It's a song from God's perspective, and I hope it turns out well.

The Center

"Oh Christ, be the center of my life..."

This too shall pass.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.





God is the reason my life means anything at all. I make my prayer the lyrics from Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay: "Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart"
Let a passion that I can't contain envelop all that I am.

For the last day or so I have been exposed to a bit of junk. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I do.

I Choose Love...

No occasion, no situation justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I Choose Joy...

I will invite God into my heart regardless of circumstance. I won't be cynical...I will see people as God created them, beautiful. I will see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I Choose Peace...

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I Choose patience...

I will thank God for a moment to pray.

I Choose Kindness...

I will be kind to the unkind, for that is how God treated me.

I Choose Goodness...

I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I Choose Faithfulness...

Today I will keep my promises.

I Choose Gentleness...

I once read this in book given to me by my Grandmother:
"Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it be only of myself."

And last but not least, I Choose Self-Control...

I will be influenced by God, taught by Him, and only impassioned by my faith. I choose self-control.

To these things I commit myself. I will give thanks to God. And if I fail, I will seek his grace.

Choices

I always act on impulse. Though I wish I controlled my emotions better than I do, I'm coming to learn that it's just a part of who I am. Looking back on the choices I've made, there are few things that I regret having done. I think.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is: Life keeps on coming, and all I know how to do is keep doing what I always do...be myself. Here's believing that one day it will pay off. Amen.

After my heart

When I think of David, I think: shepherd, poet, giant-killer, ancestor of Jesus--in short, one of the greatest men in the Old Testament. But alongside that list stands another: liar, betrayer, adulterer, murderer. I guess the first list is a list of qualities I would like to have; the second, qualities that might be true of any one of us. Yet even after his failures, God called David a "Man after My heart". It seems David learned from his sins, was genuinely repentant, and accepted the consequences and suffering that came with them.

I say this to remind myself that perhaps, I can also learn from my failures, my sins, and become a man that, above all things, seeks the heart of God.

Life and stuff

I'm in my office with Josh O'Neal, Dr. Pepper, and my calendar...that's my life. I guess I need to find a life outside this place...

The Loan

Cooper enjoyed the walk, even though there were so many other things to do. The wind was a gentle whisper in the night. The light from the lampposts and full moon was still more than enough for him to see by. As he glanced around he realized that he was the only one still walking. Looking at his watch, he realized that it was almost eleven. "Why was he still here? And why won't this spectrum of emotions leave me alone?" These were the questions that turned in his mind, as though caught in a giant whirlpool. Deep down he wanted to run. Deep down he was strained, but he had learned to get by this long by maintaining composure. "Why quit now?"

"Is that the way it's going to be then?" He knew how to escape the pain, he'd done it all his life. He ran. His surroundings were speeding by, the sound of his thoughts was drowning out everything. Everything but his beating heart. Still he ran. The thoughts were getting worse, but he kept trying to fight it off...

"And yet...it wasn't fair. This spectrum was so...Good yet bad, hopeful yet depressing, comical yet serious, young yet old, right yet wrong...what on earth!?!?" so real. Cooper finally voicing what he'd been thinking, "It's not fair that I feel this, it's my life after al..." His words trailing off mid sentence. And then he knew...It wasn't his life. It wasn't his money. It wasn't his time. It wasn't his energy. It wasn't his choice. It wasn't his way. "It's not my life, it's His." Period.


To live is to die, and to die is to live. To gain is to lose and to lose is to gain. The Truth is contradiction, and yet contradiction is the Truth.

The Lord is my shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break.
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grade's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown
For Thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examination,
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,
AMEN

*Sent to me by my friends Betty and Liz last semester, and QUITE worthy of spreading!*

So long self

Reevaluation is complete. I'm not the person I hoped to be as a child, I'm not the person I hoped to be when I dreamed of right vs. wrong. I used to read about George Washington and his 110 rules of Civility and want to be just like him. It's not always the big things that define us, it's the small ones too. If by my words or deeds I cause anyone to go astray then I'm at fault, isn't that the way it works?

How do you change over night though? Jesus, help me change, slow as it may be...I'm tired of not feeling like the man I could be.

"It's not hard to live through a day if you can live through a moment"

"...Let your salvation, God, protect me."

Courage.

I think laughter may be a form of courage...

As humans we sometimes stand tall and look into the sun and laugh,
and I think we are never more brave than when we do that.

Begging for Completion

It's interesting to see the things you find while searching through your computer documents. I wrote this about a year back, and published it on an old blog. After revisiting it, I found myself drawn to add new depth, new thoughts, perhaps even a new justice to the characters and their situation. I'd kind of given up on a plot resolution, because I didn't know how to end it the way that I wanted. However, now I think maybe that's the way it supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe, uncertainty is more reflective of the reality behind our hopes, dreams, and even our fears.






"Cooper, it's Mike, I'm calling because...well, it's complicated..."

Cooper hung up, after agreeing to meet Mike over at Starbucks the next morning. He arrived five minutes early. Mike was already waiting at a table outside. Cooper headed in to buy a Mocha Latte, then he headed back outside to join Mike. He listened intently as Mike explained his marital problems, one-by-one. "Karen and I have been fighting for months. I think we're heading towards a divorce. She wants it, and I...yeah, I think it's best too. I guess honestly Coop, I just want to know that it's the right decision. After all, we've been friends for so long...and...yeah...I just...I..."


Cooper closed his eyes, choosing his next words carefully, "Mike, I don't know what's happened to lead you to this point, but I have one question: do you still love her?" Tears started streaming out of Mike's eyes, slowly, hesitantly, he nodded his head. "Cooper, it's not enough anymore...it's..we're..."


Cooper waited until Mike was able to compose himself, and then handed him a piece of paper, that he'd been writing on throughout the conversation. Before Mike could open it Cooper spoke again, "Mike, you have my prayers, and please don't read that until I've left...I believe it's yours." After saying this, Cooper stood up, tears in his eyes as well, and walked back to his car. After his friend had driven off, Mike opened the folded piece of paper and started reading....


Late that night Mike walked into the bedroom, where Karen was sleeping. He knelt down beside and whispered to her:


"I really don't understand. Where did I let it all go wrong? I've lied time and again, hoping maybe I could earn your love, to earn your trust. He was right today, Cooper I mean, maybe I've been avoiding the truth all along."


He stopped for a moment, as a realization hit him.


"I think I'm slowly seeing a truth, what if the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that I could love, if you could...has become calloused. I gave up on my faith, my family, my friends, I thought you were my redemption, and that I was yours. But that redemption would not be found in either of us, would it?

I'm not scared of you, Karen, I'm scared of myself.

I searched everywhere, I made a list, you were the angel in my life, and I wrote poem after poem about you, and song after song. You were pretty, funny, sarcastic and kind. You were smart, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you on. You see, Karen, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only the tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though you put your hand in mine, I walk alone, for I can't be honest with you, after all, honesty may finally allow you to see that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed."


As he whispered he saw her stir. She was facing him, eyes still shut. He remembered the first time he knew that he loved her, she had fallen asleep while star gazing with him. He'd lost her, God, and himself. He waited a moment until Karen's breathing gave away that she had stopped stirring. Tears started to form in his eyes:


"I want desperately for you to be my friend. But I've lost...I've lost that...I've lost the you I fell in love with. You have cuddled up closely to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Christ and, you were mine. If I show you who I am, we might crumble. What am I saying? We're already crumbling...I'm scared Karen. I'm not scared of you, dear one, I am scared of me."


As she rolled over, Mike paused, he wondered why he couldn't stop. Why was he saying this now, while she was asleep? Did he enjoy monologues so much? And yet, he couldn't stop, the emotions flooded back over him.


"I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your light breathing that you are like me, that you are broken like me, that you are lonely, like me. Do I even know you? Why do we not connect? And how can we with words, mere words, come to ever know anything about each other? Is this God's way of handing out grace, of teaching us of His love for us, teaching us, slowly and painfully, how He feels about us? I'm tired of heartache, tired of feeling,tired of caring, it all amounts to naught. Does He feel the same way? Or maybe He made us this way...incomplete. So that we might conclude that our one hope, is to fall at His feet begging for our completion...."


Mike remembered all the years he'd spent teaching others about Jesus, but those days had passed. He'd given up on God. Why had he gone to meet Cooper? All it did was bring back all the memories of philosophical conversations, talks of love, God, and dreams. It was no wonder he was saying things he hadn't even thought about in years.


"We were fools to believe that we could redeem each other.

Is this what God intended? Will we be dust before we are one? What is this that wants in me...the want in you? The deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I can't leave you, I won't leave you. If I'm trying to quit, let it be a quitting of my doubts and fears, not of you."


He'd said it, the thing that he couldn't have said until this very moment. It didn't matter that just twelve hours before he'd believed that divorce was the only way left...he'd seen what he needed to see, been reminded of what he need to remember. His voice slowly, quietly, yet with a new found conviction, continued on:


"I will give you this, my love, and I will not beg, buy, or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as God has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you will always be a mystery, to me, what I learn of you I will keep in the deepest chamber of my heart, the same chamber where Jesus has come to live. And I will do this till the day I die, even if to that day it brings me.

I wish I could love you like God loves us...like Hosea and Gomer. Agape, that's what He is, can that be me as well? I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, wishing for your love. I will simply love.

I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. Always overcoming self, who I am making who I've been....Time itself will weaken before I give in.

God has risked Himself on me. And I will risk myself on you. And together, perhaps, we can learn to love, and then, and only then, understand the the depth of His love for us."


Mike slowly, softly, kissed her cheek and wiped the tears from his eyes. As he stood to walk out, a piece of paper fell from his pocket. As he picked it up, he read the words once more, "Love is patient, love is kind...." The verses, the chapter, that he'd once asked Cooper to read on his wedding day...so many years ago.


And the greatest of these....

There's Nothing we can do about the things we have to Live without, the only way to Feel again is to let Love in.

I survived my stats test today, but I really don't want to see the results of my "survival". Oh well. Over all, I'm back to a point where I'm good with life, except I am having some trouble with my feelings...don't ask for explanation, I don't have one. I guess an easier way of putting it is that I don't feel as close to a lot of the people that I wish I was closer to. I'm hoping that summer will fix that, but I'm learning not to let it bother me as much. I think my philosophy is don't worry about it until they do. And if they aren't worried about it, don't be either. Life is too important to spend worrying. Amen.

While the Angels sang a whiskey lullaby...

Spring Break is almost here, and what am I doing? Lying in bed, listening to Whiskey Lullaby and wondering why? This makes me smile. I'm learning that people are too confusing to understand, at least the way that I always tried to. Me included.

I am with You

God, life sometimes...it just don't change
I'm trapped right here, stuck in chains
I don't have words, I'm just not sure
What's my problem, and what's my cure?

I was thirsty, and you gave something to drink
I was down, but you helped me to my feet
I was lost, but you left the other sheep
I was hurt, and you held me as I weeped

You said, "I am with you as I am. I am with you, the Great I AM
I am with you now, as you don't understand. I am with you, the Great I AM"

It's not so much the things I have,
It's what I'm lacking, that hurts so bad,
It's not the pain of something new,
It's the thing I crave, that leads me to you

I was thirsty, and you gave something to drink
I had fallen, but you helped me to my feet
I was lost, but you left the other sheep
I was hurt, and you held me as I weeped

You said, "I am with you as I am. I am with you, the Great I AM
I am with you now, as you don't understand. I am with you, the Great I AM"

My world goes on, but I don't belong
My life is great, but I'm not that strong
My heart sings the same old song
My emotions they still rage strong

I was thirsty, and you gave something to drink
I was down, but you helped me to my feet
I was lost, but you left the other sheep
I was hurt, and you held me as I weeped

You said, "I am with you as I am. I am with you, the Great I AM
I am with you now, as you don't understand. I am with you, the Great I AM"

You are with me, hold me while I weep. You are with me, guard me while I sleep. You are with me, heal this heart of mine. You are with me, so I know I can. I know this because you are, you are, you are...the GREAT I AM!

Won't you be my prince of Peace?

Hold me Jesus. It's a good song, and an even better prayer. Why is it so easy to lose ourselves? Why is it so easy to leave him who loves us most?

A Letter

From a thoughtful perspective, I'm frustrated with the world, and stupidity in it. hmmm, I suppose that just means that I need a breather. I did try one thing differently today though...

And on that note, I love Philippians! Picture it with me. Let's go to Rome... to a rather dark and dank little room, surrounded by high walls...Inside we see a man seated on the floor. He's an older man, his shoulders stooped, his head balding (perhaps). Chains are on his hands and feet...

It's the apostle Paul...I relate to his story more than most (Damascus road and such)

The apostle was bound only by the will of God is now in chains - stuck in a dingy "room" - attached to a Roman guard....

He's writing a letter. If it were me it would be a complaint letter to God. My list of grievances.... After all, he has every reason to be bitter and complain. But he doesn't. Instead this man writes a letter that more than two thousand years later is still know as the treatise on joy - Philippians....

A very good book to spend time in. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything." Philippians 4:6


Those are the thoughts that flow through my head when I'm actually trying to focus on God. Sometimes though, I feel like just holing up and biting off heads...probably not the best policy...for me, or anyone else. Salem.

Search me, Know me, Try me and see...

"They said to each other, "Didn't our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the scriptures to us?" (Luke 24:31-32)

I love that verse. They knew they had been with Jesus because of the fire within them. That's how God has worked in my life lately, using His torch to set my soul on fire. He warmed the cold and thawed the chill. He stirred the ashes of my heart again, purging my infection, and illuminated my path.

I'm starting fresh. I'm sure that there have been many times in my life that I've said that, but I think God understands anyway.

This semester is about walking without knowing. Trusting without seeing. And loving without judging. I've fought my whole life to become who I am. It's odd now, I'm ready to lose that part of me, the selfish, prideful, hypocritical, dishonest part.

It's as if I've spent my whole life running and running, trying to catch up with something that has never been there at all. And all I've done is go farther and farther away from the love that's been waiting for me the entire time.

Life has been so good to me. God has been so good to me. It's time I did the same.