So long self

Reevaluation is complete. I'm not the person I hoped to be as a child, I'm not the person I hoped to be when I dreamed of right vs. wrong. I used to read about George Washington and his 110 rules of Civility and want to be just like him. It's not always the big things that define us, it's the small ones too. If by my words or deeds I cause anyone to go astray then I'm at fault, isn't that the way it works?

How do you change over night though? Jesus, help me change, slow as it may be...I'm tired of not feeling like the man I could be.

"It's not hard to live through a day if you can live through a moment"

"...Let your salvation, God, protect me."

Courage.

I think laughter may be a form of courage...

As humans we sometimes stand tall and look into the sun and laugh,
and I think we are never more brave than when we do that.

Begging for Completion

It's interesting to see the things you find while searching through your computer documents. I wrote this about a year back, and published it on an old blog. After revisiting it, I found myself drawn to add new depth, new thoughts, perhaps even a new justice to the characters and their situation. I'd kind of given up on a plot resolution, because I didn't know how to end it the way that I wanted. However, now I think maybe that's the way it supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe, uncertainty is more reflective of the reality behind our hopes, dreams, and even our fears.






"Cooper, it's Mike, I'm calling because...well, it's complicated..."

Cooper hung up, after agreeing to meet Mike over at Starbucks the next morning. He arrived five minutes early. Mike was already waiting at a table outside. Cooper headed in to buy a Mocha Latte, then he headed back outside to join Mike. He listened intently as Mike explained his marital problems, one-by-one. "Karen and I have been fighting for months. I think we're heading towards a divorce. She wants it, and I...yeah, I think it's best too. I guess honestly Coop, I just want to know that it's the right decision. After all, we've been friends for so long...and...yeah...I just...I..."


Cooper closed his eyes, choosing his next words carefully, "Mike, I don't know what's happened to lead you to this point, but I have one question: do you still love her?" Tears started streaming out of Mike's eyes, slowly, hesitantly, he nodded his head. "Cooper, it's not enough anymore...it's..we're..."


Cooper waited until Mike was able to compose himself, and then handed him a piece of paper, that he'd been writing on throughout the conversation. Before Mike could open it Cooper spoke again, "Mike, you have my prayers, and please don't read that until I've left...I believe it's yours." After saying this, Cooper stood up, tears in his eyes as well, and walked back to his car. After his friend had driven off, Mike opened the folded piece of paper and started reading....


Late that night Mike walked into the bedroom, where Karen was sleeping. He knelt down beside and whispered to her:


"I really don't understand. Where did I let it all go wrong? I've lied time and again, hoping maybe I could earn your love, to earn your trust. He was right today, Cooper I mean, maybe I've been avoiding the truth all along."


He stopped for a moment, as a realization hit him.


"I think I'm slowly seeing a truth, what if the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that I could love, if you could...has become calloused. I gave up on my faith, my family, my friends, I thought you were my redemption, and that I was yours. But that redemption would not be found in either of us, would it?

I'm not scared of you, Karen, I'm scared of myself.

I searched everywhere, I made a list, you were the angel in my life, and I wrote poem after poem about you, and song after song. You were pretty, funny, sarcastic and kind. You were smart, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you on. You see, Karen, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only the tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though you put your hand in mine, I walk alone, for I can't be honest with you, after all, honesty may finally allow you to see that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed."


As he whispered he saw her stir. She was facing him, eyes still shut. He remembered the first time he knew that he loved her, she had fallen asleep while star gazing with him. He'd lost her, God, and himself. He waited a moment until Karen's breathing gave away that she had stopped stirring. Tears started to form in his eyes:


"I want desperately for you to be my friend. But I've lost...I've lost that...I've lost the you I fell in love with. You have cuddled up closely to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Christ and, you were mine. If I show you who I am, we might crumble. What am I saying? We're already crumbling...I'm scared Karen. I'm not scared of you, dear one, I am scared of me."


As she rolled over, Mike paused, he wondered why he couldn't stop. Why was he saying this now, while she was asleep? Did he enjoy monologues so much? And yet, he couldn't stop, the emotions flooded back over him.


"I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your light breathing that you are like me, that you are broken like me, that you are lonely, like me. Do I even know you? Why do we not connect? And how can we with words, mere words, come to ever know anything about each other? Is this God's way of handing out grace, of teaching us of His love for us, teaching us, slowly and painfully, how He feels about us? I'm tired of heartache, tired of feeling,tired of caring, it all amounts to naught. Does He feel the same way? Or maybe He made us this way...incomplete. So that we might conclude that our one hope, is to fall at His feet begging for our completion...."


Mike remembered all the years he'd spent teaching others about Jesus, but those days had passed. He'd given up on God. Why had he gone to meet Cooper? All it did was bring back all the memories of philosophical conversations, talks of love, God, and dreams. It was no wonder he was saying things he hadn't even thought about in years.


"We were fools to believe that we could redeem each other.

Is this what God intended? Will we be dust before we are one? What is this that wants in me...the want in you? The deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I can't leave you, I won't leave you. If I'm trying to quit, let it be a quitting of my doubts and fears, not of you."


He'd said it, the thing that he couldn't have said until this very moment. It didn't matter that just twelve hours before he'd believed that divorce was the only way left...he'd seen what he needed to see, been reminded of what he need to remember. His voice slowly, quietly, yet with a new found conviction, continued on:


"I will give you this, my love, and I will not beg, buy, or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as God has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you will always be a mystery, to me, what I learn of you I will keep in the deepest chamber of my heart, the same chamber where Jesus has come to live. And I will do this till the day I die, even if to that day it brings me.

I wish I could love you like God loves us...like Hosea and Gomer. Agape, that's what He is, can that be me as well? I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, wishing for your love. I will simply love.

I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. Always overcoming self, who I am making who I've been....Time itself will weaken before I give in.

God has risked Himself on me. And I will risk myself on you. And together, perhaps, we can learn to love, and then, and only then, understand the the depth of His love for us."


Mike slowly, softly, kissed her cheek and wiped the tears from his eyes. As he stood to walk out, a piece of paper fell from his pocket. As he picked it up, he read the words once more, "Love is patient, love is kind...." The verses, the chapter, that he'd once asked Cooper to read on his wedding day...so many years ago.


And the greatest of these....

There's Nothing we can do about the things we have to Live without, the only way to Feel again is to let Love in.

I survived my stats test today, but I really don't want to see the results of my "survival". Oh well. Over all, I'm back to a point where I'm good with life, except I am having some trouble with my feelings...don't ask for explanation, I don't have one. I guess an easier way of putting it is that I don't feel as close to a lot of the people that I wish I was closer to. I'm hoping that summer will fix that, but I'm learning not to let it bother me as much. I think my philosophy is don't worry about it until they do. And if they aren't worried about it, don't be either. Life is too important to spend worrying. Amen.