Truth

sigh...The battling has been getting fierce lately, and I would be a liar if I said that I've made it thus far without falling, failing, or losing heart. It's as if I can feel the scars burning into me as I make yet another mistake. But I find strength through my failures nonetheless. After all, my brokenness has never been more apparent to me, but neither has God's grace.

I suppose I'm guilty of doing what I discourage others from...bottling it all up. For example, I have a few close friends who will ask me how my day is going or how I'm feeling. And honestly, in that moment, I think that everything's well, because I don't try to dig deeper...perhaps 'cause I don't want to dig deeper....

So, since I have to break this habit, of not trusting my friends, family, or even self (I've trusted God to see me, but as my friend in the video said...sometimes that because we don't treat him as present) to see me hurting or weak, that I've fallen into lately. And because I don't know that I could put my thoughts or feelings into words anywhere else...I'm here!

First, I've been spending my time trying to prove to myself that I'm worth something.

I realize that these thoughts or feelings can sound stupid. Trust me, I've told other friends the same. And though in words and in thought I realize that it's a lie from Satan...it never fails that no matter how much I'm involved in, no matter how much I do, know, feel, understand, or try....there's this part of me that just wants to know that I'm worth it...that I won't be abandoned or ignored. That I'm not a failure. A nobody. An afterthought. A second choice, but never the first.

Satan knows where to hit me. He knows where to hit all of us.

Like I said, stupid. Not in a derogatory way, but seriously, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are many of people who care...people I care about. And I know that God knows the number of hairs on my head...and would have died for me, even if it had just been me.

This battle was a field that I thought I passed many years ago, but apparently, Satan knowing that I'm trying (keywords ;) to be disciplined and to live my life in a way that honors and blesses God, has decided to pull NO-STOPS on my heart. And honestly, my heart is still quite susceptible to deception...it wants to believe when it shouldn't. And doesn't believe when it should.

In your weakness, I am your strength.

His grace is sufficient. How many times have I whispered these words to myself lately. They're true. Truer than anything my heart, mind or soul can say otherwise.

I just....sometimes I need to vent. Not because I don't know truth, or can't believe it. But because there are times that I have to remind others of truth when they're weak. And sometimes I need to be the one reminded...so I guess I'm preaching to myself. I'm tired. But I won't quit. I've bottled when I should have trusted...others, myself, but especially Him. I'm a sinner. But aren't we all, isn't that why I need a savior? I'm lonely, but reminded that I'm not alone...and that I'm loved. I'm hurting. But as Tenth Avenue North so eloquently puts it: "This is where the healing begins..."


Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins



Truth:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

And the Truth shall set you free.

Truth will break through this day! My mind will not be held captive to past lies, present lies, or future lies. The only one that can hold me captive is the one that already has my heart as bound and sealed, My Lord and Love, Jesus Christ. In the words of William Wallace, "FREEDOM!!!"

I'm alright, and I know it, seriously :D But prayer cover won't hurt a thing. I'll keep fighting, even if I keep falling. No devil is going to hold this kid down ;)

This is where the Healing Begins

So true, so true.

His Secret Ambition

I'm loving this song! I'm nowhere near where God needs me, but I'm heading there. I'm SO willing to head in the right direction, even through a myriad of mistakes and an entire lifetime. My "secret" ambition: To give my life away, to Him.

Thinking of you

I'm having major friend withdraws right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or sad. I just really miss you guys. I hope to see you all soon. Until then, may God bless and protect you.

The Devil's Right

My Life Belongs to You

God, my God this life is worth the living
God, my God it's worth the dying too
God, my God with this life that I've been given
Oh God, my God this life belongs to You.
From birth till death my life belongs to you.

It was Peter who denied Your name three times
But you made Him the rock and forgave Him that crime
It was Thomas who doubted that You'd returned
But you gave Him proof and after that he learned

God, my God this life is worth the living
God, my God it's worth the dying too
God, my God with this life that I've been given
Oh God, my God this life belongs to You.
From birth till death my life belongs to you.

James and John were sons of Thunder
They demanded place by Your throne
And though you had to put pride under
You loved those brothers like Your very own

God, my God this life is worth the living
God, my God it's worth the dying too
God, my God with this life that I've been given
Oh God, my God this life belongs to You.
From birth till death my life belongs to you.

I could sing of Judas who betrayed You that night
Or of my own betrayals committed in Your sight
But truth remains, just like Your plan
I'm Forgiven, by the one pure man

God, my God this life is worth the living
God, my God it's worth the dying too
God, my God with this life that I've been given
Oh God, my God this life belongs to You.
From birth till death my life belongs to you.

You died for me, let me die for You....

Listening

I realize that I'm starting to enjoy embedding music videos in my posts, but honestly...I hope that they touch your hearts as much as they do mine! Pay attention to how the song changes styles around 3:11 (It's amazing!) :)

However I have a suggestion. If you're like me...always busy and moving. While you "watch" this video...choose to watch it with the eyes of your heart. Just close your eyes, and feel these words in your heart....




I encourage you to read Psalm 145, it was just what I needed today. I was weary, and it never ceases to amaze me how easily He encourages us through His word. We just have to take the time to listen. I'm ready to listen.

We Get Up

This is a beautiful picture of God's grace. It's a song titled We Fall Down by Bob Carlisle (Who also sings Butterfly Kisses, another beautiful song). Turn your volume up loud!





"If one falls down, his friend can help him up." ~ Ecclesiastes 4:10



"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." ~Philippians 4:11-13 :)

The life of a Middle School Intern

This is day four of my self-discipline. I'm doing well, but only by the grace of God. Self-discipline is definitely one of the areas of my life that I'm lacking in. But I won't quit, I won't give up, my God is bigger than my faults. Always.

So...tonight was amazing!!! I went and spent my entire evening with, my Boss, mentor, and friend, Matt and his wife Emily :) We watched Lost, and sang worship songs during commercials and after the show ended. I spent two and a half hours singing with them...I LOVE THEM!!! And Matt can play the guitar incredibly well, I never knew...I learn new things about them all the time. And one day, I hope to be half the man that Matt is. I didn't realize how much I've missed not have a Father figure that I can talk to about my faith, my God, my love. One day, my father is going to fit that description too!

Series Finale of Lost comes on at 6 pm on Sunday night (it's 2 and a half hours long)...Matt's response when he saw the time??? "Darn those non-Christian Lost people! Putting stuff during church time! Honey, do you think we can buy Tivo and get it installed before Sunday?" :D Greatest response ever? I think so!



One of my favorite songs that we sang tonight:






Giddy is me right now! Because God is good, and that's all I need to know :)

I have the greatest gift God could give me...family and friends that love the Lord and that love me for who I am.

"I could not ask for more than this time together. I could not ask for more than this time with you. Every prayer has been answered, every dream has come true! ...And I could not ask for more!!!" :)

'A More Beautiful You'

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do....

Better is one day

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." ~Galatians 6:9-10

It's hard, sometimes really hard, to keep "trucking".

However, at other moments, it's really hard not to want to keep fighting the "Good Fight".

Today was an incredibly special day for me at my church. I was blessed by many of the people that I love, who came together to throw a surprise graduation party for me, where my mission trip to the Dominican Republic was completely covered by donations and where my diet was put on hold until tomorrow. Needless to say, I have the most amazing church family ever, and one of the greatest bosses to boot!

I've struggled lately, in so many different walks of my life. I'm trying to be faithful, but I've been tired. Tired of my past, myself, and tired of fighting. At the moment I'm ready to take on Satan and his demons, but lately...unfortunately...that hasn't been the case.


I owe so much to so many. There would have been a day where that would have bothered me. Now I realize that the debt of friendship isn't supposed to be paid, or earned...merely returned.

I'm nothing special, at least not in any way that goes beyond the other children of God. But through all the trials and blessings, I keep gaining the friendship and love of people that change my world for the better. To the ones that make each of my days meaningful, you know who you are...thank you.

To the One who makes Everything meaningful. "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere..."

When You Believe -

I hope the title made you want to go listen to Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston's song from the Prince of Egypt. Cause that song has been in my head ALL day. It's worth listening to, multiple times! :)


"For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the good news. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts." ~ 1 Thessalonians 2:4


Wow. I think I need to be more aware of the importance and truth in this verse. I'm guilty of never wanting people to be upset with me. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten past the point of speaking only what someone wants to hear...I'm willing to speak truth as well. But then I sit there and wish that I hadn't upset them. If I made a mistake that's one thing, but if I was speaking God's truth I shouldn't fear the results.

*Changing gears*


"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe." ~ Mark 11:24



I've been studying scripture and reading in my devotional about faith and the power of prayer lately. And it's been on my heart, and the more I've thought about it...the more things in my life, and in the lives of others, have demanded prayer cover show it's true strength.



When I am confronted by a something that requires immediate prayer, I need to pray until I believe God - until with complete sincerity I can thank Him for the answer. If I don't see the "visible" answer immediately, I shouldn't pray for it in such a way that acts and shows that I'm not definitely believing God for it.

That type of prayer will hurt me more than it will help me. For when I am finished praying, won't I find that my faith has been weakened or is gone? The urgency I feel from that kind of prayer seems as though from self or Satan.

I'm not saying it's wrong to mention the matter to God again, I do that far too often to believe that...but I am saying that it's VERY IMPORTANT to pray in a way that shows my faith...not in a way that says, "I'm only doing this because I feel like I should...I don't actually think you're going to answer this...I still haven't seen the answer..."

Never pray in a way that diminishes your faith. Tell God you're waiting, still believing, trusting, praising Him for the answer. There is nothing that puts my heart at rest and solidifies my faith as being sure of the answer to the point of thanking God for the results.

The prayers that empty me of faith deny both God's promises from His word and the "Yes" that He whispers in my heart. It's as though I fear that God will reject me when I ask. But God doesn't reject our hearts. Prayers like these are only the expression of the unrest of our hearts, and unrest implies unbelief that our prayers will be answered.

"Now we who have believed enter that rest" ~Hebrews 4:3

The type of prayer that empties me of faith frequently arises from focusing my thoughts on the difficulty rather than on God's promise. Abraham, "without weakening in faith,...faced the fact that his body was as good as dead,...Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God" ~Romans 4:19-20



"Faith is not a sense, nor sight, nor reason, but simply taking God at His word." ~ Christmas Evans

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." ~ George Mueller


Ouch. These two quotes, especially the last, hurt when I was reading them recently. Father, my faith is that of a mustard seed, but You said that even that could move mountains. I believe Father, help me with my unbelief....


As I was mulling over in my last blog post, I cannot learn faith in comfortable surroundings. I think God gives me His promises, gives us His promises, in a quiet hour, sealing our covenants with great and gracious words, and then, perhaps, steps back, waiting to see how much we believe.

He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. This is when faith must shine. This is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened sailors declare, "I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me" ~ Acts 27:25


Believe and trust; through stars and suns,
Through life and death, through soul and sense,
His wise, paternal purpose runs;
The darkness of His Providence
Is starlit with Divine intents.

Sanctified

Tell me what charges you have against me. (Job 10:2)

I'm weary Father. I've prayed about this for a long time and nothing visible or noticeable has changed. I'm hurting here.

Oh tested soul, perhaps the Lord is sending you through this trial to develop your gifts. You have some gifts that would never have been discovered if not for trials. Do you know that your faith never appears as great in the warm summer weather as it does during a cold winter? Your love is all too much like a firefly, showing very little light except when surrounded by darkness.

And hope is like the stars - unseen in the sunshine of prosperity and only discovered during a night of adversity. Afflictions are often the dark settings God uses to mount the jewels of His children's gifts, causing them to shine even brighter.

Wasn't it just a short time ago that on your knees you prayed, "Lord, I seem to have no faith. Please show me that I do"? Wasn't your prayer, even though you may not have realized it completely at the time, actually asking for trials? For how can you know you have faith, until your faith is exercised? You can depend upon the fact that God often sends trials so that our gifts may be discovered and so we may be certain of their existence. And there is more than just discovering our gifts...we experience real growth in grace as another result of our trials being sanctified by Him.

Being left alone by Satan is not evidence of being blessed.

Prayers are heard, and will always be answered. Now rest, in the times of pain, worry, and anxiety...God reigns. Rest.

Psalm 139:23-24

God vs Science

My blog post from last night shows, perhaps, the weary side of me, but that's alright...I will keep trusting, smiling, singing, and believing through it all (Because God is good, period). But I want to share the side of me that is smiling...the side that says, "Satan, bring it on! I'm still standing. And when I fall, God doesn't." *inserts epic grin here*


God vs Science

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.' The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely. '

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?

'Yes'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!' He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good...!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er..yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student falters. 'From God'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir..'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'

'No, sir, I have not..'

'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist... What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies.. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own.

'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes.

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain. 'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit down to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation.. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester.

'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains.. 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.' 'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.' 'Now tell me, professor.. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.' The student looks around the room.

'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?'

The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.' 'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers.

'I Guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it Everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in The multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'

The professor sat down.

That student was Albert Einstein.

:D

In His hands - Not mine

I can't stop thinking tonight, so I figured this might be a good place to visit.

I'm officially finished with my undergrad, I still don't know how I feel about this yet. But I am glad for a break from school and assignments...regardless of anything else.

So I've been struggling with issues of the heart lately. I've had to say goodbye to those that I may not see again. And I've had to learn to let go for the sake, not in spite, of friendship.

Recently I spent time with a friend of mine from MC. We've been friends for 2 years, but honestly the friendship has often been a little one-sided...at least in regards to maintaining it.

She's very smart, sensitive, thoughtful and quite witty. But doesn't trust, it took me a whole year to get her to open up to me about anything of any significance in her life. And when I did...I learned something about her that shocked me:

She's not a Christian.

It shocked me because she lives the Christian lifestyle better than most of the Christians I know. So I maintained the friendship and tried to talk about spirituality and Jesus when I could, but also didn't rub it in her face or pressure her about it...since she was already quite aware of my beliefs.

In itself this wasn't something that would test my heart's strength reserves, but combined with another aspect of her personality...it did. The other aspect? As she told me recently, "I can't be attached to anyone."

She meant it. Or at least she does right now, I've never met anyone that was so caring to people as a whole, yet so detached from everyone individually. She's cutting contact after graduation, with everyone. I asked if she wanted me to do the same, she said that it wasn't personal, but yes...she didn't need people holding her back...

I went to talk to her about Jesus, in what I believe may have been the last time I see her. I had to. I'd never been so sure that it was the right thing to do as I was that day...I knew/know that it was a God thing...so I did. We talked for almost an hour...and though it was a good conversation, an honest one anyway. She left with no visible change in her heart. She told me that believing in God was a choice, and that she'd already made hers.

Honestly, it hurts. The thing is, I love her. Not in a romantic way, I've never gotten to the point of loving someone in a romantic way...other than God (but that's another story)...but I do love her for who she is. And I want to know that she's with me, with us, with Him when that day comes. It's the ONLY thing that really matters in the end.

The old me would have never asked what she wanted me to do. The old me wouldn't have honored her wishes if I thought they weren't good for her. But I've changed in that regard. I've learned that it's not my decision to make...if I see her as a close friend that I care about, but she only sees me as a person who was there for a season...then that's what I will become...for her sake. I ended the conversation by telling her that if she ever changed her mind, I'd pick up the friendship where we left off (no matter how much time had passed), and told her God was better about that than I was. And that fortunately, God was more stubborn than she was.

You see, different people look for different things in life...it's the way we are. I've always desired to be a lifetime friend, no matter the obstacles...but if both people don't desire that...it won't come to be.


People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.


When someone is in your life for a reason...It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, hopefully without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. Sometimes they die. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Your need has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season...It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. Cause a lifetime just doesn't seem feasible.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. The friends that I know I will have for a lifetime are the ones that do/can trust me, just as I do/can trust them. They're the friends that keep up because they care, not because they feel obligated or need information or a favor. They're the ones that you just need to know you'll still know in ten years...don't lose them...no matter the work involved...don't lose them.

Which brings me back to my friend...

From my perspective, I've lost her.

Not a day has gone by, since that day, that I haven't prayed for God to open her eyes to Him. With all of my heart I will believe that I will see her again, in this life or the next...but it's hard to know that I can care so much...and that it doesn't change anything (that I can see).

This is where faith comes in. It's my job to love as He has loved. If people come and go, I can't love them any less...not for the sake of my heart. Pain comes with caring for people...but I'd much rather feel pain, than not care about the people God puts in my life.

I won't see many of the people I've come to love at college again, maybe not until heaven...but If I could do it all over again, I would just try to spend more time with them, because they were worth every minute of it.

I will trust God to take care of His own (and those that still need Him). And I will trust that people can make their own decisions about pulling away or becoming closer. After all, it's their life.

All I can do is love them like He loves me. Unconditionally, and no matter the cost.


"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

I'm Alright - Bebo Norman

I've got a little hope in my pocket, I want to share a bit with you
Just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'Cause I got broken down inside me, and I might just need some help
But I will get by

And I've got demons in my history, got bone beneath my skin
But I've been taken by a mystery, yes, I've been taken in
And sometimes voices down inside me try to fight me for myself
I will get by

What have I got to live for
If there's nothing beating in my chest
What have I got to live for
When this world starts turning, it's burning me up
I'm alright

I used to think love was just a barter, second hand coincidence
What doesn't kill you just makes you harder, so I used my common sense
Keeping cold to keep my distance, ‘til you took my pride away
Now I will get by

I am not afraid, no, I am not afraid
And I will not go crazy here

I've got a little hope here in my pocket, I want to share a bit with you
So just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry if you do
'Cause I got voices down inside me, and I might just need some help
I will get by

What have I got to live for
If there's nothing beating in my chest
What have I got to live for
When this world starts turning, burning me up
When my heart is hurting, I'm learning the rough
When this world starts turning, it's burning me up
I'm alright

*Sigh* I want to update, but I can't get these thoughts and feelings into words just yet. Oh well, I guess I'll keep trying to find the words here, until I've blogged it.

-To be continued

Even When I Cannot See

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”

I admit it. Not only do I like to occasionally update more than once in the same day, I also like to stargaze!

Who knows, perhaps, they peoplegaze back at us....

Tonight there are no stars.

Tonight there are no stars that are visible.


I know that I'm often guilty of believing something based on what I see, hear, or feel. However, I can't see the stars tonight...but they haven't gone anywhere.

I don't feel the same emotions that I do when I'm gazing at the "heavens", but they haven't gone anywhere.

God loves you, now and, always. Even if you don't feel it...it's still true.

God has forgiven you, for the past, present, and future. Even if you don't feel it...it's still true.

God's presence is in every setting. Even if you don't feel it...it's still true.

Oh the lessons we can learn from the stars. Even if we're not watching Stardust at the time. :)


The stars are out, and the darkness shall be pierced soon enough....