Truth

sigh...The battling has been getting fierce lately, and I would be a liar if I said that I've made it thus far without falling, failing, or losing heart. It's as if I can feel the scars burning into me as I make yet another mistake. But I find strength through my failures nonetheless. After all, my brokenness has never been more apparent to me, but neither has God's grace.

I suppose I'm guilty of doing what I discourage others from...bottling it all up. For example, I have a few close friends who will ask me how my day is going or how I'm feeling. And honestly, in that moment, I think that everything's well, because I don't try to dig deeper...perhaps 'cause I don't want to dig deeper....

So, since I have to break this habit, of not trusting my friends, family, or even self (I've trusted God to see me, but as my friend in the video said...sometimes that because we don't treat him as present) to see me hurting or weak, that I've fallen into lately. And because I don't know that I could put my thoughts or feelings into words anywhere else...I'm here!

First, I've been spending my time trying to prove to myself that I'm worth something.

I realize that these thoughts or feelings can sound stupid. Trust me, I've told other friends the same. And though in words and in thought I realize that it's a lie from Satan...it never fails that no matter how much I'm involved in, no matter how much I do, know, feel, understand, or try....there's this part of me that just wants to know that I'm worth it...that I won't be abandoned or ignored. That I'm not a failure. A nobody. An afterthought. A second choice, but never the first.

Satan knows where to hit me. He knows where to hit all of us.

Like I said, stupid. Not in a derogatory way, but seriously, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are many of people who care...people I care about. And I know that God knows the number of hairs on my head...and would have died for me, even if it had just been me.

This battle was a field that I thought I passed many years ago, but apparently, Satan knowing that I'm trying (keywords ;) to be disciplined and to live my life in a way that honors and blesses God, has decided to pull NO-STOPS on my heart. And honestly, my heart is still quite susceptible to deception...it wants to believe when it shouldn't. And doesn't believe when it should.

In your weakness, I am your strength.

His grace is sufficient. How many times have I whispered these words to myself lately. They're true. Truer than anything my heart, mind or soul can say otherwise.

I just....sometimes I need to vent. Not because I don't know truth, or can't believe it. But because there are times that I have to remind others of truth when they're weak. And sometimes I need to be the one reminded...so I guess I'm preaching to myself. I'm tired. But I won't quit. I've bottled when I should have trusted...others, myself, but especially Him. I'm a sinner. But aren't we all, isn't that why I need a savior? I'm lonely, but reminded that I'm not alone...and that I'm loved. I'm hurting. But as Tenth Avenue North so eloquently puts it: "This is where the healing begins..."


Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins



Truth:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

And the Truth shall set you free.

Truth will break through this day! My mind will not be held captive to past lies, present lies, or future lies. The only one that can hold me captive is the one that already has my heart as bound and sealed, My Lord and Love, Jesus Christ. In the words of William Wallace, "FREEDOM!!!"

I'm alright, and I know it, seriously :D But prayer cover won't hurt a thing. I'll keep fighting, even if I keep falling. No devil is going to hold this kid down ;)