In His hands - Not mine

I can't stop thinking tonight, so I figured this might be a good place to visit.

I'm officially finished with my undergrad, I still don't know how I feel about this yet. But I am glad for a break from school and assignments...regardless of anything else.

So I've been struggling with issues of the heart lately. I've had to say goodbye to those that I may not see again. And I've had to learn to let go for the sake, not in spite, of friendship.

Recently I spent time with a friend of mine from MC. We've been friends for 2 years, but honestly the friendship has often been a little one-sided...at least in regards to maintaining it.

She's very smart, sensitive, thoughtful and quite witty. But doesn't trust, it took me a whole year to get her to open up to me about anything of any significance in her life. And when I did...I learned something about her that shocked me:

She's not a Christian.

It shocked me because she lives the Christian lifestyle better than most of the Christians I know. So I maintained the friendship and tried to talk about spirituality and Jesus when I could, but also didn't rub it in her face or pressure her about it...since she was already quite aware of my beliefs.

In itself this wasn't something that would test my heart's strength reserves, but combined with another aspect of her personality...it did. The other aspect? As she told me recently, "I can't be attached to anyone."

She meant it. Or at least she does right now, I've never met anyone that was so caring to people as a whole, yet so detached from everyone individually. She's cutting contact after graduation, with everyone. I asked if she wanted me to do the same, she said that it wasn't personal, but yes...she didn't need people holding her back...

I went to talk to her about Jesus, in what I believe may have been the last time I see her. I had to. I'd never been so sure that it was the right thing to do as I was that day...I knew/know that it was a God thing...so I did. We talked for almost an hour...and though it was a good conversation, an honest one anyway. She left with no visible change in her heart. She told me that believing in God was a choice, and that she'd already made hers.

Honestly, it hurts. The thing is, I love her. Not in a romantic way, I've never gotten to the point of loving someone in a romantic way...other than God (but that's another story)...but I do love her for who she is. And I want to know that she's with me, with us, with Him when that day comes. It's the ONLY thing that really matters in the end.

The old me would have never asked what she wanted me to do. The old me wouldn't have honored her wishes if I thought they weren't good for her. But I've changed in that regard. I've learned that it's not my decision to make...if I see her as a close friend that I care about, but she only sees me as a person who was there for a season...then that's what I will become...for her sake. I ended the conversation by telling her that if she ever changed her mind, I'd pick up the friendship where we left off (no matter how much time had passed), and told her God was better about that than I was. And that fortunately, God was more stubborn than she was.

You see, different people look for different things in life...it's the way we are. I've always desired to be a lifetime friend, no matter the obstacles...but if both people don't desire that...it won't come to be.


People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.


When someone is in your life for a reason...It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, hopefully without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. Sometimes they die. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Your need has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season...It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. Cause a lifetime just doesn't seem feasible.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. The friends that I know I will have for a lifetime are the ones that do/can trust me, just as I do/can trust them. They're the friends that keep up because they care, not because they feel obligated or need information or a favor. They're the ones that you just need to know you'll still know in ten years...don't lose them...no matter the work involved...don't lose them.

Which brings me back to my friend...

From my perspective, I've lost her.

Not a day has gone by, since that day, that I haven't prayed for God to open her eyes to Him. With all of my heart I will believe that I will see her again, in this life or the next...but it's hard to know that I can care so much...and that it doesn't change anything (that I can see).

This is where faith comes in. It's my job to love as He has loved. If people come and go, I can't love them any less...not for the sake of my heart. Pain comes with caring for people...but I'd much rather feel pain, than not care about the people God puts in my life.

I won't see many of the people I've come to love at college again, maybe not until heaven...but If I could do it all over again, I would just try to spend more time with them, because they were worth every minute of it.

I will trust God to take care of His own (and those that still need Him). And I will trust that people can make their own decisions about pulling away or becoming closer. After all, it's their life.

All I can do is love them like He loves me. Unconditionally, and no matter the cost.


"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."