A Boy

It's difficult to type out anything, on here, that I consider personal, unless it's about God (and not myself). However, I think that it's important to own who we've been and who we are...and even who we are becoming.

I was walking at the park today, and while there I started thinking about how different my perspective is from what it was...even as recently as a month back.

My whole life I've spent running from who I was, because I didn't like the "me" that lived in the mirror.

What kind of reflection did I see?

A boy that needed to be affirmed constantly to feel like he was worth anything to anybody.

A boy that could tell a lie about the smallest of things, without hesitating.

A boy that knew that he could not measure up to what was expected of him.

A boy who hated the thoughts that ran through his dark mind.

A boy that thought he was better than everyone else.

A boy that knew that his way of thinking was the only right way.

A boy that was scared of the dark.

A boy that knew he'd always be rejected by the ones he loved.

A boy that knew how to manipulate to get what he wanted.

A boy that knew he would never be physically strong or handsome.

A boy that hurt when others got upset with him.

A boy that was tired of being seen as the spoilsport.

A boy that knew he was too emotional.

A boy that knew he thought too much.

A boy that knew he talked too much.

A boy that was tired of being seen as the goodie-goodie.

A boy that also afraid of not being seen as the goodie-goodie.

A boy that knew that the only way to see things was through extremes.

A boy that knew he was too afraid of letting anyone know his heart.

A boy that knew his desires made him a bad person.

A boy that knew he couldn't take his own medicine.

A boy that was tired of people misunderstanding him.

A boy that knew he always made stupid jokes that people laughed at him.

A boy that knew he was probably being treated with pity or gossip.

A boy that felt like he was missing out, that he was an outcast.

A boy that knew he always over-thought and over-analyzed.

A boy that was tired of finishing last place.

A boy that was tired of trying, when he knew that it didn't matter.

A boy that knew he talked-the-talk, but didn't walk-the-walk.

A boy that didn't understand why people told him he was "queer".

A boy that wanted friends that didn't only talk to him when they needed something.

A boy that wanted to cry, but was told that real men don't.

A boy that wanted to vent, but felt that it just bothered the people who listened.

A boy that seemed so sure of everything, but on the inside was falling apart.

A boy that knew he hurt others by accident, all the time.

A boy that wanted to tell the truth, but was too scared to do so.

A boy that wanted to dream, but dwelled on reality.

A boy that wanted to be forgiven for everything he'd ever done....


The last one happened.

As my life has progressed, many of these have been covered by the blood forever. Many others seem just as prevalent as they did when I first believed or thought them. Some are the lies that Satan fed me. Some are truths that have been washed clean. Regardless, I'm learned to see beauty in Him that came to free me from all of these things and more. I was/am a failure in all the ways that count, but God uses those failures for His glory. In my weakness, He is strong.

My Past can't rule me. My Present can't rule me. My Future can't rule me. Not as long as this boy gives the rulership of this life to his Savior, his Christ, his King.