Choosing to Die

I was reading in 1 Corinthians a few minutes ago, and I started trying to imagine what it must have been like to be Paul. As far as the writers in the Bible go, there are few I identify with more than Paul. Paul is one of my favorites because he says all the hard stuff and I start to think he was pretty harsh, and then all of a sudden he starts getting vulnerable as though he is feeling lonely, needing to share personal stuff with somebody, anybody.

When I came across certain parts of his letter I felt like he was writing late at night and was probably very tired, struggling with stuff that puts anything that burdens my heart to shame. I wonder how often he begged to understand, how often he hurt, how often he cried. It seems like I could never seek out a life like his on purpose. After all, he woke up every morning choosing to die. I'm trying, but it still hurts sometimes.

And I don't know that I'd want to be the guy harboring Paul either. If I had a guy in my home who was always getting beat up for the faith, thrown in prison and that sort of thing, it would make me feel intimidated and nervous about having him in my home; it would make me wonder exactly how committed I actually was. I'll bet Paul didn't care, though; he doesn't seem like the type to judge people, but you know people had to have been intimidated by him anyway. I find him intimidating just reading about him.


I believe I've said this before, but he was terribly intelligent. Honestly, I feel overwhelmed and out of my league when I try to speak from his writings. For the first couple of days in a new town, Paul probably felt completely alone. I picture him like this when he talks about how he wants to go home and be in heaven, but stays on earth so he can write letters and preach. I imagine him writing by candlelight at a table when he talks about how he has this thorn in his flesh and can't get over it and has prayed about it three times, but God said to him, "My grace is sufficient for you." It's writing like this that I like in any book. If a writer is going to try to get me motivated about something, I start to get to the point where I don't want to read anymore because it makes me feel tired, as though my life were just about getting a lot of things done. That is why I generally avoid self-help books. But Paul never did this. He was always personal. And he realized the life was bigger than his pain, struggles, relationships, desires, and dreams.


It seems my favorite books are the ones that get me feeling like I am with the person, hanging out with a person who is being quite vulnerable, telling me all sorts of things that are personal. And that's what Paul did that makes me like him so much. He wasn't afraid to leave himself open for the sake of others. I, on the other hand, feel so helpless once I share my intimate thoughts and feelings. It's as if I know/fear that I'll be crushed for trying. Honesty hurts so much more than staying silent does, I suppose it's always been that way. And yet, Paul is willing to face that chance for us, for me.


The other thing is, he was passionate, as if he actually believed this stuff was true, always going off about heaven and hell because he knew life has extremes. One minute he talks about how disgusting sin is and how it hurts God in His heart, and the next minute he says he would go to hell for people if he could, how he would die for them and go to hell if they would just trust Christ. It's hard for me to read this, because it gets me feeling guilty about not loving people very much, and then I feel very thankful for people like Paul because it means that if a person knows Christ, they become the sort of man who says difficult truths with his mouth and yet feels things with his heart that make him want to go around and die for others. I find that so beautiful and difficult at the same time. I wonder if I can do the same?

God can you use me, I feel much like Paul.
God can you use me, I don't know anything at all.
God can you use me, I don't have a Damascus road.
God can you use me, I know It's MC but it's not that old...

Still you love me, though I break your heart.
Still you love me, I just don't understand.
Still you love me, I don't know my part.
Still you love me, that's why you're God and I'm man.

God You amaze me every day of my life.
Why did You chose the pain and the strife?
God there's no hurt, now that You're here.
God there is freedom when we learn to hear...

That You love me, when I cry.
That You love me, when I sin.
That You love me, yes You chose to die.
That You love me, I don't know where to begin...


But I'll love You, with all of my heart
But I'll love You, even if all turned away
But I'll love You, yes it's time to start
But I'll love You, this is my choice...I will always stay.
Yes I'll always stay, help always stay. Please forgive the way I hurt you. Yes I'll always stay. I don't deserve you. Yes, I'll always stay. It's all contradictions...but God you work that way. For living is dying and dying is life. So now I can die and know I'm alright!

1 Timothy 6:12 - This will be me to my dying day, if nothing else in my life stayed solid except my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ...I'll be ok. I will see brighter days ahead.