Verisimilitude

Fact. I'm in a state where my perpetual response to those that wonder is, "I can't explain what I'm feeling or thinking." I suppose to then try to put it into words is to make my previous sentence invalid. Oh well:

School. I'm retaining my previous method, "I don't care much until it's close enough that procrastination is no longer harmless but harmful." It's almost apathy, but deep down I care.

Church. I love the kids and people more than ever. Last week they gave me a book full of thank you notes and a new bible (with every other page blank for notes) that's amazing! However, there's a flip side of church that I will mention in a bit, involving my spiritual life.

Money. Non-Existent. Hello...Social Work.

Friends. With some exceptions, the majority have dispersed. Something that until quite recently was difficult, especially do to the fact that I've been struggling finding a good solid base there for a while. But I finally got back to my policy of "Que sera, sera." It took me seeing that I did have a solid base. I, as I often do, just had ignored it. This is where God would nod and say "Thanks for finally noticing."

Singleness. The blessing of some and the curse of others. For me, it's become a blessing. I won't lie, the romantic in me hurts often. I find myself running through downtown, begging for the cycle of heartache to end. "God stop letting me fall for the ones that will never see me the same way. Asking why him, or why not me...am I supposed to live this life? And if so, tell bluntly...don't leave me to figure it out." Selfish right? I find myself wishing that I was with the girl that cared for me as much as I her, the one who I could laugh, cry, smile, talk with, pray with, adore, hug, hold hands, and one day say "I love you" too. Sappy I know, I won't disagree.

However, I promised God 4 years, 3 months, and 8 days (according to my journal) ago that I would not ask any girl to be my girlfriend if He wasn't more important to me than her. I was telling him that if I would give her more time than Him that I wouldn't follow through. I then prayed that if I ever did head down that path that He would prevent it.

Lately, I've started considering the fact that if my life is one of dreaded "singleness" that I would be able to deal. At first it felt like a lame attempt to console myself. But the life that I hope I will have the guts, faith and resolve to follow through with is one that I wouldn't want to ask someone that I cared about that much to partake in. In which case, perhaps for the first time, my passion for God seems to be more powerful than my desire to find "Miss Right". Which brings me to the biggest portion of my life.

Spirituality. I find it ironic that I can have some form of passion for God...and say what I say next. I'm not a "Christ Follower". No beating around the bush anymore. I believe, I love, but I don't follow. I'm a listener, rarely a doer. Jesus is a part of my everyday life. Jesus is not my everyday life. "I won't do somethings until I'm on my own or older. I won't do that because it would be insanity. I won't do that because I can't afford it." I was called to die to myself.

In actuality I didn't die and let Jesus take over. I simply made Him a best friend and tried to do things for Him, and to please Him. He's still not in control. I haven't passed Him the key. He's in the house, but He's the guest not the owner.

So, Christian...maybe. Believer...maybe. Follower...no.

I'm still living as though I'm a follower, since not trying to live as a follower would be even worse in my eyes...it's like being convicted and then walking away. It doesn't help anything to quit trying when you're not succeeding (or so I believe). Paul said it was better for the truth to be spread by those that aren't followers than to not spread the truth at all. The saddest part (in an ironic way) is that I do love Him and want to live for Him. I guess this makes me an addict, I'm addicted to self-control. I've been praying and I know that the time will come that I can, that I will give up everything and truly follow. And maybe, for the first time in my life I believe that no matter what it is I must give up. Friends, Family, Marriage, Money, Prestige, Power, Comfort, Self...the day will come. And until it does, my prayer is this...

"God don't let any of things come about in my life unless I can keep you above them. And if by my power or an other they do, I ask you to break me, ruin me, make me nothing again. 'With nothing I came...with nothing I leave.' I'm sorry that I'm not following. I really am."